WHAT DISEASE ARE YOU?

With the world freaking out about Coronavirus we thought it might be good to familiarise yourself with a few other contagious diseases that have impacted humanity throughout history. Heck, let's not just find out about it, let's decide which disease you would be if a disease or virus was a star sign!

ARIES

You burn hot, Aries. So you’re measles. A single person can infect 12-18 people. You love skin.. and you are so so contagious. Whether by sneezing or kissing or handshakes or hugs, you really get to people. Just like you, Aries, Measles is hard and fast. It’s a week-long affair at most with effects that can last a lifetime.

TAURUS

You don’t need two guesses to work out your disease, Taurus.  You are Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease. You Mad Cow! Symptoms include abnormal behaviour… sounds like you on a big night. Oh and personality changes. Sounds like you the day after the big night. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to diagnose until it’s too late. You catch it by eating cattle infected with mad cow. On the upside, although fatal you do lose weight from beefing up!

GEMINI

The evil twin of lively Gemini is nervous and negative. It’s not uncommon for Gemini's to suffer from a generalised anxiety disorder, insomnia and nervous exhaustion. So your disease is what Freud termed ‘Neurashtenia’ in 1869. Be careful Gemini apparently it not only includes fatigue but also flatulence. Freud believed it was from coitus interruptus – or people walking in on you doing the wild thing. Apparently insufficient libidinal discharge ..or not enough orgasm poisons the organism. Masturbation was a recommended therapy. Lucky there’s two of you Gemini.

CANCER

OMG Cancer you really give people the shits. Really really. You are Infectious Diarrhoea. You’re the gift that keeps giving. The friend that keeps ringing, long into the night. I wash my hands of you.

LEO

You’re Mumps. That gives you that big swollen lion head. It’s not pretty. But it goes viral fast. You don’t need botox if you get mumps. Your face will swell right up. If you’re lucky, Leo, you’ll get mumps in the butt and you won’t need those implants.

VIRGO

Oh, poor Virgo – you’re Lymes disease. You’re here, but you’re not accepted.

LIBRA

So what disease has scales? Greyscale.  I think you can only get it if you are in Game of Thrones and you’ve come into contact with Griff. In real life its called fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, or FOP, and it is a rare condition that has a similar effect... but it only affects only one in 2 million people so you’re probably fine.

SCORPIO

Apparently you are prone to infections of the sex organs so I am going to make you Syphilis. It starts with a little sore on the genitals, then a rash, then nothing. That's the sneaky bit. The final stage is spectacular. Look at Roman history! Nero had it and made his horse emperor. It goes to the brain and you’re pretty well.. how do we say this nicely… F-d.

SAGITTARIUS

You have to be Whooping cough. A bacterial infection spread by coughing and sneezing…you really know how to make an entrance. And wow, 90 days of coughing is quite a pertussis party. You’re very popular in Mullumbimby.

CAPRICORN

You’re so in your head, Capricorn, and with such a stiff neck we're making you Meningococcal meningitis. Blinding headaches that end in certain death. Or loss of limbs. You’re unforgiving. Like you, if you piss it off it’s lethal. With the right attention at the right time, everything’s sweet. If you’re late, you’re dead.

AQUARIUS

Are the infected water carrier… What is in that bucket? Contaminated water. Typhoid. It’s Salmonella on the mount. You have people singing ‘You Give Me Fever’ for at least a month.

PISCES

You get to be Coronavirus! We’re not certain but originally it was believed that the virus came out of the Wuhan Seafood market. You have found your fishy fame Pisces! After years of swimming upstream, you have finally gone viral. People are having to do outrageous things like… quarantine, which in the old days we used to call ‘staying home’. Ergh

Leave a comment

All comments are moderated before being published