What's your Valentine's Day Horoscope?

It's February… the month of love! So who was St Valentine and what was his story? There are a few theories but the strongest contender suggests the teal St Valentine defied Emperor Claudius II when he decided single men made better soldiers than those with wives and continued to perform marriages in secret. Claudius ordered he be put to death. Another story suggests Valentine was imprisoned by Romans and he fell in love with his jailor’s daughter who visited him during his confinement. He wrote her a letter before his death signed ‘From Your Valentine’. Love had some pretty high stakes back then. Some bad choices even got you burned at the stake.


I know you’re in love but do you have to post every minute of it on Facebook? Those cozy couple pics of you two in bed kissing and cuddling are cute but do we need to see them? And when you write ‘This is the love of my life’ …couldn’t you just roll over and tell them? You’re obviously still in bed. Oh, I just saw your latest post. I’m sorry. You’ve broken up.


You love Valentine’s Day. There’s always a surprise. Like a balloon ride, or a parcel from Versace, or roses, or champagne and strawberries….its fabulous but people do know you live alone and that you’re the one buying it. Just sayin'. Self Love is perhaps the greatest love of all, and you prove it.


You are so crafty. You’re one for the hand made card. So this year you’ve gone all Napoleon Dynamite and drawn a picture of your true love which you’ve had printed on a t-shirt which you’ll be wearing when they answer the door. It’s either borderline creepy or borderline adorable. I guess you’ll find out.


You’re so intense. When you fall in love its for life. Every time. It’s amazing just how many lives you can have, in one lifetime! You’re all about Forever – every time. It’s a bit full-on for a first date, but it's your gig.


Everyone adores you. Come Valentine’s Day you have this avalanche of cards from secret admirers. And X rated stuff too. Like dic pics. You keep them in a file on your phone. There’s a one night stand who sends one every month. Well on your old phone – the one you gave to your Mum when you got your new plan. Shit. Someone’s sending your mum dic pics.


You’re such a beautiful lover. You’re so present. When you’re there you’re really there. Sensual. Tactile. You know how to really make love. Just a shame it's not with your actual wife.


It’s hard dealing with rejection. But you know it makes you a better person. It’s not you…well, it kind of is you, but not every time. It can’t be every time, can it? You snore, but it's not that bad. It’s like a kittens purr. You’ve just got to find someone who’s not allergic to cats.


The polyamory thing has been working out a treat. It’s complex but it sure makes being on the canteen roster a lot more interesting. Some days there’s more than sausage rolls heating up in your warmer.


Love, exciting and new. Come aboard. We’re expecting You. The Love Boat. Is there nothing sweeter than a 3-day holiday romance? To meet, fall in love and break up in just 72 hours? You’re a commitment-phobe. Anything longer and your heart gets cabin fever!


So you went to the tantric sex workshop to improve your sex life. You had no idea you had to take your pants off! You thought it was a talk. Not an actual experiential let's all do this in a room then have a cup of tea at break time and then get back at it. And you had no idea your barista and his partner were going to be there! Who knows what he’s going to draw in the foam of your latte next week?


You’re so deep. Sex is a spiritual ritual for you. You have to light the candles. All 300 of them. Put on the chanting and mantra music. Lay out the cushions. Then you start the eye gazing. Deep, deep looking. It was so intense last time you could smell smoke. Actually it was smoke, your prayer flags caught fire.


You’re such a great partner but you buy terrible gifts. Last year you bought your partner a backpack. This year it was a security light. You have to stop. The greatest gift you can give is to stop giving. Now.

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